This Is Me

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Worship Mix


This is a pretty accurate depiction of my thought process LOL

         The reason I write here more than other places, like facebook,  or at least USED to, is because hey my personal face-book is mine right? I can say what I want when I want? Yet, when I do vent or say something, I'm told I'm just too negative, or I lose friends because no-one wants to read what I write, and I get treated like either a leper or people talk behind my back and throw hate around because they can't tell me to my face how they feel yet somehow everything is my fault. Our facebooks don't belong to us, don't try to kid yourself. They belong to Zuckerberg and to the people on your friends list and the people and companies that pay for advertising.
        I liked the days of Yahoo 360. I miss the community. I wrote a lot back then, and it was fun. It was kind of like face-book but without the competition and most of the drama. It was more personal too. Not like now being hounded thousands of times a day by random companies pushing product or pretend friends that add you just to peddle their makeup or healthy whatever line or their latest get rich quick scheme or cleaning products. It's like having the  vacuum salesperson AND the JWs at your door 24/7.  Facebook was supposed to have been meant for people to be able to connect that otherwise might not be able to, like friends and family that live long distances apart or people that just can't get out often to meet up with other people. Now it's nothing but advertisements and anything that can waste time. I mean really, who gets up in the morning and says to themselves "Today I am going to watch exactly 248 cat videos and laugh at 163 memes and hit like 427 times for things that mean absolutely nothing to me in my personal life, then I'm going to post at least half a dozen selfies so at least one of them gets likes and makes me feel good about myself today"? Next thing you know 3 hours is gone and your butt is asleep from sitting too long in one spot when all you intended was to log into your messages to ask one person about something. But I got kinda off topic lol. I'm talking about me writing blogs as opposed to face-book. Social media is not social at all. It's all about getting attention, or so it is starting to seem to me. And let's not even start on the so called "debates" or "discussions", that's another whole ball game. No-one in those groups actually wants to learn. No-one ever actually gets anywhere except angry and more confused than when they started. Those that ask questions, don't really want answers. They just want you to agree with them and confirm what they think as though the more people that agree the more right or true it is. 

         I keep telling myself when I get my head just a little bit clearer I will be able able to get my thoughts together enough to write again. But it never seems to happen. Just when I think I have a clear thought, my mind clouds over and I can't think straight. It's actually really annoying and frustrating. And it just makes me feel worse. If I had an actual topic to focus on this would be easier. But I can barely think of any words never mind stay focused on a specific topic. Right now I am trying to type this and I keep going slydexic and mixing all the letters up (and no that wasn't a typo, that is how I personalize my saying of dyslexic lol). 
       Sometimes I will post that I am depressed, or have a rant on my status, or post pictures or articles or whatever about how I feel. No, I'm not looking for attention. No I'm not looking for pity. The last thing I find useful is for someone to feel sorry for me. A rant is just that. A rant. Venting a few thoughts because holding it in is sometimes just too much to bear. And I say honestly how I feel and what I am going through. I learned a long time ago not to give too much weight into how others take what I say personally. For one, 99.9% of people won't bother to tell me how they feel if they are upset or offended or worried or anything. They just assume that I am psychic and read minds and just know through touching the computer screen and I'm expected to cater to that. When I don't they get angry. They either lash out at me or they lash out behind my back to other people, spreading rumours and gossip. Then it falls on me to take fault and be responsible for whatever happens. I'm tired of it.
Hey, if you have something to say to me, and you can't be bothered to tell me to my face, then it's officially not my concern.

Here's some reasons why I write.

1- Because it is easier for me to express how I feel and what I think. When I did you-tube videos, some of my videos were scripted beforehand, and I just read them and added in as I went. I got a lot of hate for this too, but I didn't care. I said what I wanted to say however I could. I used to write poems and songs but not for a long time. Before I stopped writing I was actually pretty good at explaining things and articulating how I felt.

2- Because no-one can interrupt me.
Seriously it is an issue. Most times I am convinced I have a tattoo on my forehead that says "abuse me".
Everything I try to say gets either ignored or I get talked over or yelled at. It seems to be a growing trend that to make yourself heard and to prove you are right you have to be pushy and overbearing and just plain louder than everyone else. No-one can stop me writing what I want lol. That means sometimes I can actually look forward to being able to complete a tought or sentence without being interrupted and told that I'm wrong or that I should shut up or that I'm stupid or any number of things I am usually told or made to feel.

3- Because once I am able to write down one thought, i can just turn my brain off and keep going and can say much more than if I was actually talking. It's like I go on auto pilot and don't stop til I'm done, then I actually go back and read it and I'm like "wow, where did that come from" lol
In this reason it is also a source of relief. Because my brain feels so messed up most of the time and I can't think straight and I spend sooooo much energy trying to get one thought straight and I get frustrated and angry and even more confused, writing allows me to just have a break from the constant gear grinding that goes on, if that makes any sense. This is actually one of my favorite reasons to write or do any number of the things I do (or have done).

Sometimes I don't mind rambling. I tell myself there are way worse things I could be doing with my time and that even if no-one understands a word I say it's not about them or for them really anyways. It's for me, it's my own form of therapy. So as mixed up as my rants and ramblings might seem to you, trust me, what's going on inside of my head that DOESN'T get put out there, is a heck of a lot worse and messy, believe me.
Sometimes I think "Hey, I've had a TON of stuff go on in my life, I should write a book" lol. But reality says who would care. Usually, just when i think maybe I have something useful to offer, life slaps me in the face and says uhhhhhNOPE.
       So believe it or not, I actually DID have a reason for writing about writing tonight and I lost my train of thought and forgot it. So now I wrote a whole bunch of nothing with no rhyme or reason, welcome to my life.
So, anyways, I guess I'mma just end it there for now. 


Father's Day Frustrations

       Just a few random thoughts about Father's day weekend. I admit I am bitter and resentful. I know there is probably a boatload of unresolved anger that I need to swim through and work on. But for right now I am just staying in the boat to avoid drowning.
       Most holidays are always difficult for me. This one hurts double time. For my daughter, who knows her dad and whose dad has chosen to pretty much reject her, it kills me to see the pain he puts her through. And especially this year, her high school graduation being this past week, and his decision to not only just not show up, but to avoid even answering her message and her having to find out third party that he wasn't coming. He didn't even have the guts to tell her, his mother told her, her grandma. I've told her for years, nothing I or anyone else says to him will get through to him. She needs to tell him. She needs to get mad at him. But she won't. She harbors bitterness and resentment and she loves and wants her dad in her life so much that she is willing to tolerate almost anything to have the chance to have him there, and he still rejects her and it breaks my heart to see and hear. It makes e so angry and I want to just lay him out for it, but there is nothing I can do or say and that kills me.
       To be brutally honest, it makes me wonder sometimes, if maybe she would have just been better off not even knowing her dad. Like me. I don't know who my father is. I probably never will at this point. It's a double edged sword, though. It hurts that I don't have him, yet its a relief knowing that if I don't I'm at least spared going through what I have watched my daughter go through with my ex.
       13 years of school. From kindergarten to grade 12 grad. From sports games to spring concerts, to hospital visits, to birthdays and milestones, I have been there for almost every single one. He has not bothered to make it to even one. Not even when she lived in the same city. But me moving to Calgary with her, that was the ultimate betrayal, according to him. He would say things like "how far away do I have to move before I don't have to pay child support", and "I'll just quit my job and not work then I don't have to pay". He told her she could ask for anything in the world and he would give it to her, yet when she dared ONE time to ask for a small donation to help her add to her fund to get her to her youth group missions trip, she was told "I don't give to charity cases", and that I as her mother would probably just take it and spend it on myself anyways. Who DOES these things? Who does these things to a child, much less their own? And that's just the tip of the iceberg, there is so much more I could describe. But you get the picture. Yet he thinks he is still the father of the year, and his family applauds and supports him. He rejected his own daughter for a girlfriend and her 2 kids, someone who used to be my best friend who turned completely on me and rejected her own husband and denied him his kids so that she could get together with my girls dad. Yet somehow I am the bad one.
       How do I make sense of all this mess with the fact that I am supposed to forgive him, and her, for all the pain they have and continue to cause for me and my daughter? How am I supposed to turn the other cheek? Just when I don't think I can be any more broken, it happens yet again.
       The most common phrase that is heard in christian circles today that is candidly tossed at people like me is Psalm 68:5 "A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling.". Of course, it was even in todays message at my church. Maybe its just me, but it makes me cringe. It just seems so cliche and trite to say. I wonder if anyone who throws that out even understands the weight of what they are saying or who they are saying it to. I have tried to lean on this verse in the past.  Maybe it's just the way its so lightly passed off, who knows.But it really brings me no comfort. In fact it just irritates me right now.
       It's very difficult to attach this personally when to be truthful, I don't even know what a father is. Saying God is a father to the fatherless, when I consider my foster families and the foster dads I have had, makes it seem distant. Like yeah, he takes care of me, out of pity, for a temporary time, until it's too hard or until something better or more worthwhile his time comes along. Don't get me wrong, I have two foster dads who have done alot for me and I love them dearly, and they have accepted me as family and have always treated Kristen as their own. But for me, it just doesn't feel right, or real, and no, I don't know why that is, it just is.
       You can say all the right things to someone and have it go in one ear and out the next. Not because they don't hear you or because they don't care. But because when you have lived your entire life being rejected by your earthly father, how much more difficult is it to trust in one you cannot see or hear? It's like imaginary, almost non existent, like my own real father. Like, I know he existed at one point because if he hadn't I wouldn't be here but there is nothing tangible to tell me that, it's hard to explain.
     So that's my thoughts about fathers. Confused, angry, bitter, and struggling to accept and understand. I don't know if anyone can ever relate. or if anyone can understand, but that's ok, it's just me and I needed to vent this today of all days.
       As for my daughter. I will always be there to pick up the pieces, and hold her. Because I know what its like, and I also know very few ever will understand. She might not see this right now, but maybe sometime in the future she will get it.
        IN church today we also sang about God always being there for us. Never letting us go. ANd as bitter as I am, I will still fight to lean on this because even though I don't believe it sometimes, when I am honest and look back, it is true, I can say that even in my darkest times when I felt the farthest I could ever possibly feel from God, He has always been there. One song said He is in the waiting. I must look up the song because that one line really got me. I am so grateful that my God is so patient. ANd graceful. And that He never leaves me even when I feel like I've never been more alone. That is what I hold onto, with all I have. Because through all my family and friends who have left me, and when people like my girls dad just up and leaves her without so much as a word, just like all she ever wanted was to have her daddy there in her most important moment, all I want is to know that he is there for me, for us. And somehow, at some point, I might even begin to believe it, and then I will be able to rest in that, and to just breathe.... 


Trashed Trust

June 17, 12pm
       Maybe it's age, maybe it's just me. But I reached the end of my patience for people I cannot trust after this last incident. If you know me even a little bit, you know that I love to take pictures. And I love to share pictures. On social media, I share through facebook, instagram, and twitter occasionally. I put pictures within my blogs and have made videos and vlogs from photos. I share them because they mean something to me personally. I take pride and enjoyment in them and in sharing my life and adventures with others. I have only one request and that is that people do not take my photos and use them for their own or claim them as their own. To me it seems like a simple request, one that shouldn't be too hard to understand or comply with. Is it really that difficult to respect other people's property? I am aware that being behind a machine, having that anonymity, causes many people to act out and speak in ways that they wouldn't normally. Would you walk into my home and take a portrait off my wall and walk out and go hang it in your home as yours? Would you sell it or give it away to other people? If I was to come do the same in your home, with a portrait of your underage child, would you shrug your shoulders and say "oh well"? Would you be angry? Why is it ok to do these things online, without having or even bothering to ask permission, to just take what you see? Just as there are laws regarding personal property within my home, there are laws regarding personal property online. This isn't just a legal issue it is a moral one. If I saw you come into my home and take something and I stopped you walking out would you push me aside and walk out anyways? What if I did it to you?
I'm having a lot of trouble these days understanding people's mindsets and thinking, the way they justify treating others with no respect and no dignity. When it comes to the internet, it appears that people have absolutely NO regard or respect for others privacy, safety, or their feelings.
       This week, I posted my daughters grad pics. I was proud of her accomplishment and wanted to share that with friends and family. So I posted an album of her grad proofs that had arrived in the mail that day. All 32 proofs. My cousin, who I barely talk to, went and took at least a dozen of them and put them on her page as her own. She did not ask, she did not tell me, she did not tag me in them. Instead, she tagged someone else completely in them. Someone who has a shady history of being well, a perv. She did not ask my underage child or tell her either or tag her. She just took them and used them as she wanted. When I asked her politely many times to remove them, she refused. She told me to F*** off that she will do what she wants. When I asked other family to kindly ask her because she wasn't listening to me,  I got the same response. Hateful hurtful things, accusations, insults, and attacks. For asking for someone to respect a childs privacy. Is this what the internet does to people? Brings out all their worst qualities? Not that they were nice to begin with but hiding behind a computer or cell phone lets them think they can do and speak however they want and that they will rarely if ever face consequences. They seem to take pride in their ability to attack others without regard to how it hurts or affects others. Are people really that cold-hearted?
       This isn't the first time this has happened. It's happened many times now. And I no longer have family or friends I can trust because of it. I no longer am able to share my life, my enjoyments, my accomplishments, my adventures with them. Because whether it is photos or statuses or videos, or stories or poems or well, anything, it is stolen from me and used without my permission. I'm so tired of being taken advantage of and used. I am sick and tired of being treated as though I don't matter and like I am just garbage to be taken from and thrown aside. I have never been able to have anything that is truly my own because sooner or later it ALWAYS gets taken away from me. And those who tell me I have no right to be upset about it, screw you. I am PISSED. I have every right to be. I deserve to be respected and have mine and my daughters privacy and safety respected. I have done everything within my power to protect her. And I don't care if she is 17 or 71, she will always deserve that. online or offline, I always have and always will, do whatever it takes to do what I can for her and myself. And I don't give a rip who likes it or agrees with it or not. I have faced everything that's been thrown at me and come out swinging. There is NOTHING anyone can do that I haven't already faced.
       So I deactivated my facebook and made a new one, I removed all personal photos off instagram, and no one will be trusted again. Not even in the slightest. Every effort I have made to even be friends with people has been rejected or passed over, so I will no longer make the effort. I've been invisible to most people anyways, no one will care if I disappear. So I will. If I am going to be alone. If I am going to have be be as lonely as I have been for all my hard work and efforts, I'm going to just be lonely without  making any more effort.
I'm just tired. All my biological family has ever done is hate me and treat me with disgust and bitterness and jealousy. I might be a christian but that doesn't mean I am someone to be walked all over and crapped on. Turning the other cheek should never mean it is ok to abuse someone you claim to love. And my whole life has been filled with abuse, whether it be verbal, physical, sexual, mental, and emotional. I am done. Done with everyone, and done with this pathetic life and the pathetic people in it. I will live for no one but myself and my daughter. And if that means I die alone at least I will die alone knowing I made every effort on my own. It's time I live for me. And if others can't give me what I deserve they don't deserve to even be in my life at all. I'm better off without all of you.
       So if I cease to exist for you, know this is why. And I don't feel guilty one bit. Forget you, and the horse you all rode in on.


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Why do you believe what you do?

April 3rd 2017 It is amazing what people will believe from just being told, rather than learn for themselves. Religion is brainwashing. After 40 years I'm just starting to scratch the surface on breaking down false ideas I've assumed were always right. "Tradition" isn't always good, JS. We don't make God in our image. This is an extremely deceiving and cunning belief so many falsely have that infects a huge portion of people's faith. When we say the devil is a liar, oh, you have NO idea.
2 Tim 2:15 says study to show thyself approved. Matthew Henry's commentary had this to say... "Observe, The care of ministers must be to approve themselves unto God, to be accepted of him, and to show that they are so approved unto God. In order thereunto, there must be constant care and industry: Study to show thyself such a one, a workman that needs not be ashamed. Ministers must be workmen; they have work to do, and they must take pains in it. Workmen that are unskillful, or unfaithful, or lazy, have need to be ashamed; but those who mind their business, and keep to their work, are workmen that need not be ashamed. And what is their work? It is rightly to divide the word of truth. Not to invent a new gospel, but rightly to divide the gospel that is committed to their trust. To speak terror to those to whom terror belongs, comfort to whom comfort; to give every one his portion in due season, Mt. 24:45 . Observe here, 1. The word which ministers preach is the word of truth, for the author of it is the God of truth. 2. It requires great wisdom, study, and care, to divide this word of truth rightly; Timothy must study in order to do this well.II. He must take heed of that which would be a hindrance to him in his work".
This is why we tell people, you have TWO ears and ONE mouth, use it accordingly. Listen twice, speak once. Listen before you speak. Do not make claims you cannot scripturally backup. Lesson 1 in online theological debates, and well, any comments or statements anyone wants to make, really.
I ran across someone who had claimed to switched from a baptist church to being strictly catholic. She got irate when asked to provide biblical proof for her claims, and when her twisted scriptures were denied because they were not even in context or applicable, she tried changing the subject to make even more outrageous claims without supporting those either. When called out on it she became right upset and accused me of being heretical, and of attacking her. Then she decided to twist what I told her and tried throwing it back at me. Why is it so hard for people to under stand that if you are going to make a claim, that you should at least know what you are talking about before you attempt to claim it as truth? So many people are blindly following what a church teaches them without even checking for themselves to see if it is true, biblically.
The whole conversation just kind opened my eyes again and reminded me of the importance of being vigilant with our faith. Too many people are tossed about on the winds because they just go with whatever they are told. And when asked to use scriptural reference, this too, is biblical. Don't just go looking for a scripture that supports your belief. Use context. And as much as it hurts, if contextual scripture does not line up with what you have been led to believe then the one who is wrong is YOU, not scripture. You need to change what you believe even if it hurts.
We do not make God in our image. We don't get to decide what parts of scripture to believe or apply to us today. We don't get to change scripture to support our lifestyle or our faith. We don't get to use scripture or God, for that matter, for our benefit. We are HIS creation, He is not ours. We serve Him, He does not serve us. How disrespectful is ti to assume otherwise and to ignore giving Him the honour and glory that is due Him? I don't say these things for others benefits. I'm not here to tell anyone what to do. I say these things because it was my personal life lesson that I am sharing with you and because I strongly believe this is gospel truth. I'm blown away at how easily we as human beings can be misled for so long. And at how extremely difficult it can be to even recognize these bonds, much less break their hold. But it's not what God would want. He doesn't intend for us to be trapped. And that's what religion does, is trap people. Into thinking there is something in our power to prove ourselves to God. Something we can do or say to impress God. Something we can have or be as people to make Him love us more. Its a hard lesson to learn, that there is absolutely NOTHING we can do to change how God sees us or feels about us. Sure, we say it. But it took me a long time and a hard time to realize that this is actually true. And oh how freeing it is, to know truth! To really know it, in your heart, not just in your head because it is words that you've been repeatedly told. I've had a tendancy in the past to believe things upon being told, I was naive and trusting of anyone who said they were a christian. It's an easy pattern to fall into. We tend to do things just because we are told "that's the way it's done". But noone can really explain WHY its always been done that way it just has. The topic we were discussing was someone asked if unbaptised people especially kids should take communion. There are many views on this and many reasons for the views. Mostly it was because their church had told them or taught them that their tradition was the right one. But when asked for biblical validation, they could not provide it. When asked where did they get such a strong belief from, they reply "MY church teaches this", or "Because its biblical, my pastor/priest/minister told me so."
When asked what the actual scriptures were that supported that belief, they had no answer. They believed without checking it themselves. This to me is very dangerous. I'd been led astray many times for this reason. Someone came on and stated that there was no actual scripture that said baptism was necessary but that for some reason, this is what the christian church teaches, that it is necessary or required. And so many fall into this false gospel as it were. Believing just because the church says so and not even bothering to verify it themselves. Even scripture tells us to check for ourselves! How could we miss this? Because we are trying too hard to make God in our image. To make our faith all about us and not about Him who is the author and perfecter of our faith. The reason we have faith to begin with! Anyways, the whole point is, no matter what church you attend. No matter what denomination you belong to. A quote from says this "There will be times in our walk with God that we will act purely on faith because we do not have the whole picture, as in the case of Abraham. However this faith is not blind; it is based on knowledge of God’s nature and character, His promises in the Scriptures, and our personal experience walking with God every day.". I love my pastors. I love what they teach. And I tend to agree with all of it. But not because they say it. Not because they claim it is right or true. But because scripture supports it, and because that which is neither supported or unsupported by scripture, relies on our personal relationship with God and not on anyone elses or what anyone else says about it. Habits are hard to break. Chains that bind are harder. Don't be a sheeple. Question everything and trust only God and His word, the rest seems to sort itself out. God Bless!  


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