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Some days...

Nov 23-2012-1pm
Some days I imagine the doorbell will ring, and there he will be. At my door, come to see me. Because he wants to.
I wish he would just show up, although I know he probably never will.
Still, a girl can dream....


Life moves on

Life doesn't stop when people go away, or when relationships die. People move on, things change. But for me, I thought my world ended. I made him my world, my life, and when he went away, a huge part of my life ended. Sounds crazy doesn't it? But it's true.
I forgot who I was, what I wanted. For a time, everything was about him, wanting to make him happy, wanting to make him proud, wanting to be there for him. But I don't think he ever really wanted me. It was more the idea of having me, the fantasy, you know? I wasn't an individual, I was just a property. It could have been me, it could be anyone in the future. But the idea is still the same.
It broke my heart, loving him so much and making him my world, that when it all came crashing down, I had to face that I just wasn't a part of his world like he was mine. Its a hard thing to face and accept, reality, and rejection.
I see the world moving on, I see him moving on, and although I should be happy for him and I should be moving on as well,it seems like I am just stuck, in slow motion, watching life pass me by. He says I didn't want him to succeed. He will never know that the truth is I wanted nothing less than complete success and happiness for him, I just wanted to be a part of it, to be by his side through it. But he wouldn't allow me. He wouldn't let me in, he shut me out, and no matter how hard I bang on the door it won't open because he locked me out and threw away the key so to speak.
I still wait for him to text, to email, to call, to say something, anything. For some sign of life between us, that meant so much to me but didn't seem to matter to him. I think about him all the time. Ok, well, not so much ALL the time, lately I have had periods where I have completely forgotten. But then a sound, a certain sight, a song, and the memories come flooding back and its unbearable. Sometimes I wonder if maybe I should move away from here, go far away, try to run from the memories that haunt me. But I can never escape myself, the way I feel. I have lived life being rejected by so many. I have been abandoned and outcast by family, friends, past loves, those who claim to want the best for me and to care only to end up despised when their selfish motives become clear and the truth that they cannot achieve their goals of using me to further their own agendas. And every time I have proven them wrong, I have moved on, gotten stronger, been happy, learned, grown. Now it just seems like a heavy sadness hanging over my head that I can't escape. Something is missing.
Was I born with a stamp on my forehead that says walk on me, use me? When does it end?
I'm a simple person, I don't ask for much really. Nothing I would consider extraordinary or excessive. Honesty, integrity, respect. To be wanted and needed, to matter. Is that really too much?
I could go on forever I'm sure, about how he hurt me, about the pain I live with, feeling sorry for myself yet angry at myself at the same time for not being able to just let it go and move forward. Its a never ending circle. Its Friday night, and I wonder what he is doing, who he is with, if he is thinking about me like I think about him. If he remembers or if he is trying still to forget.
In the meantime, Cream Soda goes really well with Southern Comfort....

Where in the World...?