My aunt shared this recently and I thought I'd reshare it with you. It's a beautiful and different perspective on 1 Corinthians 13, better known as the love chapter. The author is unknown.
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12.08.2012
Christmas Home Sunday, December 9th, 2012
12.01.2012
It's my BIRTHday?
Dec 1st, 2012, 230am
BIRTHday meaning the day I was born, brought into this world, but not the day I first lived, because, one can never truly live until they can understands what it means to LIVE.
What is supposed to be a special day consists lately of nothing more than reading random emails from my dentist and other professionals who barely know my name much less care about my "special day", and rummaging through feeds on Facebook looking for random HBD's from people I've never been blessed enough to meet nor ever will, people I play games with, some family or friends that don't care enough to pick up the phone but care enough about their image that they want to be seen doing their yearly duty because, let's face it, social media will never replace real life contact and it is so easy to hide behind a machine and pretend to be someone you're not, I of all people know that. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends and family, and I cherish their well wishes for those that are truly sincere, its just not the same as in real life, and it certainly doesn't have half the impact as in person, a touch, a hug, a smile, to hear the phone ringing and know its for you and its something GOOD.
It consists also of waiting by a phone that might ring once or twice, but the ones I really want to hear from are long gone, such as my mom who will never call again, or the one who hates me so much that the reason he probably asked me for my address is to send me a bill or restraining order for a gift, like a slap in the face. And the one thing I really wanted above all, I don't, and probably never will. It's why holidays and special occasions really suck, and are depressing and stressful and downright draining. Trying to put on a happy face and be cheerful and be happy for others while inside I can feel the tears well up and start to overflow and noone understands why if I am happy for others, I am crying and miserable, either out of shame or remorse or anger or just plain old jealousy because they have something I will never have. Its times like that that I try not to speak at all, because after all, its never about me, or shouldn't be. Because then I am told I am selfish and just on a pity party feeling sorry for myself.
I have 2 things in this life that I can be grateful for on a day like today.
One is my daughter. I hate being alone. I hate feeling alone. I hate facing the fact that I will probably never get my fairy tale and have the chance to be happy that way. But she is there through it all, not even knowing the pain I go through, and she is there to encourage me when she doesn't even know she does.
The other is the fact I am still alive. I don't know how, or why. I might never fully know. And I am angry and bitter over the past and anxious and deathly afraid of the future. Sometimes I hate myself and my life, if not for my girl I'd be so lost. She is my light in the darkest tunnel. And despite the fact that I sit here telling you how miserable and sad I am, and despite the great pain I can't even begin to describe that goes on in me every single day, and the confusion I face with it, the torment of knowing that I should know better, and I should trust God, sometimes I hate and blame Him too, I keep telling myself, there WILL be a day. There IS a purpose, and I WILL fulfill it before I go. And I am reminded of a promise I made long ago, to a friend, to myself, and to God. To never walk that road no matter how tempting it is. I am reminded, especially today, of the fact that I am alive, I breathe, and although most times I feel completely lost and condemned and hated, somewhere, someday, it will come together. And God does give me strength, and it is day by day, sometimes hour by hour, to face whatever He has for me, because in the end, its HIS battle, and it will be HIS victory, not mine.
And today, December 1st, 2012, my 39th birthday, I am determined to enjoy it in spite of lacking that one thing I wanted so desperately. I WILL do as I planned and I will go out and have fun and spend the time with the most important person on this earth to me right now, the one that loves me back, unconditionally, before I lose that chance and it is gone forever. Anything else that comes, is bonus :P
And that concludes my depressing birthday rant, now back to your regularly scheduled social media bliss...
BIRTHday meaning the day I was born, brought into this world, but not the day I first lived, because, one can never truly live until they can understands what it means to LIVE.
What is supposed to be a special day consists lately of nothing more than reading random emails from my dentist and other professionals who barely know my name much less care about my "special day", and rummaging through feeds on Facebook looking for random HBD's from people I've never been blessed enough to meet nor ever will, people I play games with, some family or friends that don't care enough to pick up the phone but care enough about their image that they want to be seen doing their yearly duty because, let's face it, social media will never replace real life contact and it is so easy to hide behind a machine and pretend to be someone you're not, I of all people know that. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends and family, and I cherish their well wishes for those that are truly sincere, its just not the same as in real life, and it certainly doesn't have half the impact as in person, a touch, a hug, a smile, to hear the phone ringing and know its for you and its something GOOD.
It consists also of waiting by a phone that might ring once or twice, but the ones I really want to hear from are long gone, such as my mom who will never call again, or the one who hates me so much that the reason he probably asked me for my address is to send me a bill or restraining order for a gift, like a slap in the face. And the one thing I really wanted above all, I don't, and probably never will. It's why holidays and special occasions really suck, and are depressing and stressful and downright draining. Trying to put on a happy face and be cheerful and be happy for others while inside I can feel the tears well up and start to overflow and noone understands why if I am happy for others, I am crying and miserable, either out of shame or remorse or anger or just plain old jealousy because they have something I will never have. Its times like that that I try not to speak at all, because after all, its never about me, or shouldn't be. Because then I am told I am selfish and just on a pity party feeling sorry for myself.
I have 2 things in this life that I can be grateful for on a day like today.
One is my daughter. I hate being alone. I hate feeling alone. I hate facing the fact that I will probably never get my fairy tale and have the chance to be happy that way. But she is there through it all, not even knowing the pain I go through, and she is there to encourage me when she doesn't even know she does.
The other is the fact I am still alive. I don't know how, or why. I might never fully know. And I am angry and bitter over the past and anxious and deathly afraid of the future. Sometimes I hate myself and my life, if not for my girl I'd be so lost. She is my light in the darkest tunnel. And despite the fact that I sit here telling you how miserable and sad I am, and despite the great pain I can't even begin to describe that goes on in me every single day, and the confusion I face with it, the torment of knowing that I should know better, and I should trust God, sometimes I hate and blame Him too, I keep telling myself, there WILL be a day. There IS a purpose, and I WILL fulfill it before I go. And I am reminded of a promise I made long ago, to a friend, to myself, and to God. To never walk that road no matter how tempting it is. I am reminded, especially today, of the fact that I am alive, I breathe, and although most times I feel completely lost and condemned and hated, somewhere, someday, it will come together. And God does give me strength, and it is day by day, sometimes hour by hour, to face whatever He has for me, because in the end, its HIS battle, and it will be HIS victory, not mine.
And today, December 1st, 2012, my 39th birthday, I am determined to enjoy it in spite of lacking that one thing I wanted so desperately. I WILL do as I planned and I will go out and have fun and spend the time with the most important person on this earth to me right now, the one that loves me back, unconditionally, before I lose that chance and it is gone forever. Anything else that comes, is bonus :P
And that concludes my depressing birthday rant, now back to your regularly scheduled social media bliss...
11.23.2012
Some days...
Nov 23-2012-1pm
Some days I imagine the doorbell will ring, and there he will be. At my door, come to see me. Because he wants to.
I wish he would just show up, although I know he probably never will.
Still, a girl can dream....
Some days I imagine the doorbell will ring, and there he will be. At my door, come to see me. Because he wants to.
I wish he would just show up, although I know he probably never will.
11.16.2012
Life moves on
Life doesn't stop when people go away, or when relationships die. People move on, things change. But for me, I thought my world ended. I made him my world, my life, and when he went away, a huge part of my life ended. Sounds crazy doesn't it? But it's true.
I forgot who I was, what I wanted. For a time, everything was about him, wanting to make him happy, wanting to make him proud, wanting to be there for him. But I don't think he ever really wanted me. It was more the idea of having me, the fantasy, you know? I wasn't an individual, I was just a property. It could have been me, it could be anyone in the future. But the idea is still the same.
It broke my heart, loving him so much and making him my world, that when it all came crashing down, I had to face that I just wasn't a part of his world like he was mine. Its a hard thing to face and accept, reality, and rejection.
I see the world moving on, I see him moving on, and although I should be happy for him and I should be moving on as well,it seems like I am just stuck, in slow motion, watching life pass me by. He says I didn't want him to succeed. He will never know that the truth is I wanted nothing less than complete success and happiness for him, I just wanted to be a part of it, to be by his side through it. But he wouldn't allow me. He wouldn't let me in, he shut me out, and no matter how hard I bang on the door it won't open because he locked me out and threw away the key so to speak.
I still wait for him to text, to email, to call, to say something, anything. For some sign of life between us, that meant so much to me but didn't seem to matter to him. I think about him all the time. Ok, well, not so much ALL the time, lately I have had periods where I have completely forgotten. But then a sound, a certain sight, a song, and the memories come flooding back and its unbearable. Sometimes I wonder if maybe I should move away from here, go far away, try to run from the memories that haunt me. But I can never escape myself, the way I feel. I have lived life being rejected by so many. I have been abandoned and outcast by family, friends, past loves, those who claim to want the best for me and to care only to end up despised when their selfish motives become clear and the truth that they cannot achieve their goals of using me to further their own agendas. And every time I have proven them wrong, I have moved on, gotten stronger, been happy, learned, grown. Now it just seems like a heavy sadness hanging over my head that I can't escape. Something is missing.
Was I born with a stamp on my forehead that says walk on me, use me? When does it end?
I'm a simple person, I don't ask for much really. Nothing I would consider extraordinary or excessive. Honesty, integrity, respect. To be wanted and needed, to matter. Is that really too much?
I could go on forever I'm sure, about how he hurt me, about the pain I live with, feeling sorry for myself yet angry at myself at the same time for not being able to just let it go and move forward. Its a never ending circle. Its Friday night, and I wonder what he is doing, who he is with, if he is thinking about me like I think about him. If he remembers or if he is trying still to forget.
In the meantime, Cream Soda goes really well with Southern Comfort....
I forgot who I was, what I wanted. For a time, everything was about him, wanting to make him happy, wanting to make him proud, wanting to be there for him. But I don't think he ever really wanted me. It was more the idea of having me, the fantasy, you know? I wasn't an individual, I was just a property. It could have been me, it could be anyone in the future. But the idea is still the same.
It broke my heart, loving him so much and making him my world, that when it all came crashing down, I had to face that I just wasn't a part of his world like he was mine. Its a hard thing to face and accept, reality, and rejection.
I see the world moving on, I see him moving on, and although I should be happy for him and I should be moving on as well,it seems like I am just stuck, in slow motion, watching life pass me by. He says I didn't want him to succeed. He will never know that the truth is I wanted nothing less than complete success and happiness for him, I just wanted to be a part of it, to be by his side through it. But he wouldn't allow me. He wouldn't let me in, he shut me out, and no matter how hard I bang on the door it won't open because he locked me out and threw away the key so to speak.
I still wait for him to text, to email, to call, to say something, anything. For some sign of life between us, that meant so much to me but didn't seem to matter to him. I think about him all the time. Ok, well, not so much ALL the time, lately I have had periods where I have completely forgotten. But then a sound, a certain sight, a song, and the memories come flooding back and its unbearable. Sometimes I wonder if maybe I should move away from here, go far away, try to run from the memories that haunt me. But I can never escape myself, the way I feel. I have lived life being rejected by so many. I have been abandoned and outcast by family, friends, past loves, those who claim to want the best for me and to care only to end up despised when their selfish motives become clear and the truth that they cannot achieve their goals of using me to further their own agendas. And every time I have proven them wrong, I have moved on, gotten stronger, been happy, learned, grown. Now it just seems like a heavy sadness hanging over my head that I can't escape. Something is missing.
Was I born with a stamp on my forehead that says walk on me, use me? When does it end?
I'm a simple person, I don't ask for much really. Nothing I would consider extraordinary or excessive. Honesty, integrity, respect. To be wanted and needed, to matter. Is that really too much?
I could go on forever I'm sure, about how he hurt me, about the pain I live with, feeling sorry for myself yet angry at myself at the same time for not being able to just let it go and move forward. Its a never ending circle. Its Friday night, and I wonder what he is doing, who he is with, if he is thinking about me like I think about him. If he remembers or if he is trying still to forget.
10.31.2012
Slander
Women love being told they're crazy too, and sent links from online pages that "prove" it, as if pulling random links online automatically qualifies you as "Dr or MD", and permits you to psychoanalyze others to make them suffer for your inability to deal with your own inadequacies.
After sending me multiple texts threatening to call mental health services, social services, etc etc. And have my child taken away from me. I had to call his work and ask his boss to tell him to stop texting me while at work and threatening me. Of course, this means I am vindictive and trying to hurt him, because I dared call his work, and this means I am trying to threaten HIM, and cause trouble for him, make him lose his job.
Just as it was my fault that he cheated on me, and it was my fault that he was angry enough to smash his hand on the table nearly breaking it, and it was my fault that he took a large chain and threw it on the table in front of me and my daughter saying he was going to hang himself but the chain wouldn't hold. Just like the multiple times he said things like his blood was on my hands, and that he was going to smash my face or any number of other threats of his.
Yet, he calls ME the insane one.
Its what abusive people do, deflect to the point that he has his friends and family convinced of my supposed mental instability because they will believe anything he says as gospel.
I wonder, what they would really think of him were they to know the truth? About the public slanders he has thrown at me? About the hate campaign that has obsessed his time and energy? About the pathological lies, he'd lie about the color of the sky if you'd let him just get the words out. Sad fact is, he almost believes his own lies.
I wonder, what people would think if they knew the truth about the things he has done and said, the threats, the anger, the violence, the lies, the cheating, the him that noone saw, behind closed doors, the him that we saw. He can make anyone believe anything. But not me. I know better. I lived with him, I KNEW him.
So he writes this huge blog and twitters and statuses and whatever he can online for the world to see and think I am some sort of evil monster, while he remains the victim and martyr, who is concerned for MY well being. Desperate to hurt me, enough that he is willing to use my own family against me, my friends, my child, and no line is too low, from telling me that I never should have been born to I should kill myself to, I am insane and need help, to trying to take my only good thing in my life, my child and my faith, he is on a mission to utterly destroy me. Why? All this to cover up himself?
Yet, once something is online, it never goes away. The words, the lies, will be out there forever for me to defend if even possible.
Not that it should bother me so much, as it IS nothing but lies afterall, but we all know, that rumours spread and grow. And that sometimes, not even the truth can stop pure hatred, and that is what this is, obviously.
9.21.2012
Help Me Please
For those reading this and have your own blog. Please help, I can't figure out what I am doing lol.
All my posts seem to have lost their photos. And the albums that held the photos was Picasa, it doesn't seem to want to keep my photos anymore, and they won't post on my blog.
When posting from my android, the same thing.
What am I missing?
I don't want to lose all the work ive done with this blog so far.
And I need to be able to post photos, yes, I NEED to.
All my posts seem to have lost their photos. And the albums that held the photos was Picasa, it doesn't seem to want to keep my photos anymore, and they won't post on my blog.
When posting from my android, the same thing.
What am I missing?
I don't want to lose all the work ive done with this blog so far.
And I need to be able to post photos, yes, I NEED to.
9.19.2012
False Advertising
Leave it to a celebrity to look like THIS and promote a makeup line claiming it to be the most "natural". Really? That's natural? She looks nothing like herself lol. Take a look for yourself and see....
Something New...
So I love my Android. And google is finally starting to grow on me. I have this wonderful new app called blogger. Scary thing is, you might end up seeing alot more of me here lol, fair warning. Ok. Now I gotta go to sleep. Nighty night!
9.18.2012
Those who talk a big game usually know little
I often wonder about those who seem to burst with knowledge on a subject. You know the ones I mean, they use big words, and alot of them to try and confuse you, to make themselves look intelligent. Now, I'm not saying they necessarily aren't, it's entirely possible they know something I could stand to learn. But either they give me too much credit or they are trying way too hard to over compensate lol.
I have a friend on my facebook who does just that. Maybe he thinks by saying what he does, he can manipulate the subject and coerce people to believe him without actually researching if he really knows what he is talking about. I am never one just to take one at their word though.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not a rock, I do like to learn and grow. But do I have to change my mind and accept everyone elses answers as truth for that to happen? I think not.
Some think I am dogmatic, rigid, judgmental.
I just think I happen to be strong in what I believe and although I am constantly growing and learning new things, it hasn't changed my mind on my personal beliefs or opinions. In fact, the more I learn, the more it serves to solidify that what I thought was actually true.
As a christian, I have my beliefs and I am always learning and growing in the knowledge and in my relationship with Jesus. For someone to come to me and tell me they don't agree and why is one thing. But to insult me while they're doing it, defeats their purpose. And then, to blow it off by saying I shouldn't take it personally, is just another slap in the face. Hey, I am free to believe whatever I want, to live however I want, but I must agree with everyone or else that means I hate them and that's not acceptable. I am free to speak out my beliefs but the second someone disagrees they cry discrimination and its a hate crime.
If I say I think people shouldn't strike, I am unsympathetic to the woes of the working class who are overworked and underpaid and that somehow translates into me thinking they should be homeless and starve to death. If I say that I believe homosexual acts are sinful, I am a homophobe and a hater. Speaking of homophobes, I will have to discuss that one later, I have alot to say about that term lol.
The truth is, as much as I seem to come against others, I also have strong words for those within my own beliefs system and how they conduct their public lives. I'm an equal opportunist, I will tell anyone off if I think it needs to be done. I have a strong disregard for those that use God or the church to hide behind while starting wars and being the whores and hypocrites they accuse others of being.
I'm surprised I'm not in jail already lol, but that's the way we are headed. Anyways. I've had my fair share of debates, anyone who followed me on youtube a few years ago, knows that. I've learned alot since then. Mostly about how sometimes it is better to just keep my mouth shut lol. But at the same time, I will not be bullied into backing down because some may be offended by what I say. I state what I believe. I don't take it out on anyone, I don't force it on anyone, and I certainly don't hate people for their choice to do what I perceive as wrong or sinful. Lord knows, I have my own to answer for well enough. If you are taking personal offense, or if you have guilt or issues with what I believe, if you are uncomfortable or angry perhaps its your own convictions that you need to address.
My facebook friend I mentioned? I believe he is highly intelligent, knows alot about many subjects. But I don't think it is right to tell me I know nothing of a subject or that he is more knowledgable than me when it is something that he has chosen to reject. He denies the truth of the bible, yet he claims to know what is true about it. He rejects Jesus as the saviour, yet claims to be the fountain of knowledge when it comes to the life of Jesus and his purpose and his teachings and what it means to be a christian. How can you be an expert on a subject you deny the truth or validity of? And how are you any better than those you put down when you claim to be peaceful, and openminded, when you are so quick to dismiss and judge? Nearly every religious or political post I have made, he has commented on negatively, putting it down somehow, even if it is just an innocent picture that has nothing to do with the topic he makes it about.
Sigh. And people used to say I was the argumentative one. Mom, will you change your mind now? I growed up, sorta....lol
I have a friend on my facebook who does just that. Maybe he thinks by saying what he does, he can manipulate the subject and coerce people to believe him without actually researching if he really knows what he is talking about. I am never one just to take one at their word though.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not a rock, I do like to learn and grow. But do I have to change my mind and accept everyone elses answers as truth for that to happen? I think not.
Some think I am dogmatic, rigid, judgmental.
I just think I happen to be strong in what I believe and although I am constantly growing and learning new things, it hasn't changed my mind on my personal beliefs or opinions. In fact, the more I learn, the more it serves to solidify that what I thought was actually true.
As a christian, I have my beliefs and I am always learning and growing in the knowledge and in my relationship with Jesus. For someone to come to me and tell me they don't agree and why is one thing. But to insult me while they're doing it, defeats their purpose. And then, to blow it off by saying I shouldn't take it personally, is just another slap in the face. Hey, I am free to believe whatever I want, to live however I want, but I must agree with everyone or else that means I hate them and that's not acceptable. I am free to speak out my beliefs but the second someone disagrees they cry discrimination and its a hate crime.
If I say I think people shouldn't strike, I am unsympathetic to the woes of the working class who are overworked and underpaid and that somehow translates into me thinking they should be homeless and starve to death. If I say that I believe homosexual acts are sinful, I am a homophobe and a hater. Speaking of homophobes, I will have to discuss that one later, I have alot to say about that term lol.
The truth is, as much as I seem to come against others, I also have strong words for those within my own beliefs system and how they conduct their public lives. I'm an equal opportunist, I will tell anyone off if I think it needs to be done. I have a strong disregard for those that use God or the church to hide behind while starting wars and being the whores and hypocrites they accuse others of being.
I'm surprised I'm not in jail already lol, but that's the way we are headed. Anyways. I've had my fair share of debates, anyone who followed me on youtube a few years ago, knows that. I've learned alot since then. Mostly about how sometimes it is better to just keep my mouth shut lol. But at the same time, I will not be bullied into backing down because some may be offended by what I say. I state what I believe. I don't take it out on anyone, I don't force it on anyone, and I certainly don't hate people for their choice to do what I perceive as wrong or sinful. Lord knows, I have my own to answer for well enough. If you are taking personal offense, or if you have guilt or issues with what I believe, if you are uncomfortable or angry perhaps its your own convictions that you need to address.
My facebook friend I mentioned? I believe he is highly intelligent, knows alot about many subjects. But I don't think it is right to tell me I know nothing of a subject or that he is more knowledgable than me when it is something that he has chosen to reject. He denies the truth of the bible, yet he claims to know what is true about it. He rejects Jesus as the saviour, yet claims to be the fountain of knowledge when it comes to the life of Jesus and his purpose and his teachings and what it means to be a christian. How can you be an expert on a subject you deny the truth or validity of? And how are you any better than those you put down when you claim to be peaceful, and openminded, when you are so quick to dismiss and judge? Nearly every religious or political post I have made, he has commented on negatively, putting it down somehow, even if it is just an innocent picture that has nothing to do with the topic he makes it about.
Sigh. And people used to say I was the argumentative one. Mom, will you change your mind now? I growed up, sorta....lol
8.31.2012
I've been isolated for 3 years. Lately, mostly by my own choice, partly out of fear, partly out of shame, partly out of just not knowing what the hell to do with myself.
But I am starting to crawl out from under my rock. It's been a long time coming, and although this is my first and very short post in a long time, there will be more to come shortly, I can guarantee you that.
I have alot to say, and this is my venting port, if you will, at least half of it, the other half, the video vocal half, is on youtube which I plan to restart fairly soon as well.
SO the question of the day is, why would someone choose to lie about something so trivial, something that noone would even care about?
I can write more on that later, I will, not now as it is well after 1am and I have to be up early, just thought I'd throw that out there.
Since it's been three years, I can share an "older" pic without feeling guilty, so here. It's taken the year after moving to Calgary, me and my girl making faces, at Prince's Island Park. And see you tomorrow.
But I am starting to crawl out from under my rock. It's been a long time coming, and although this is my first and very short post in a long time, there will be more to come shortly, I can guarantee you that.
I have alot to say, and this is my venting port, if you will, at least half of it, the other half, the video vocal half, is on youtube which I plan to restart fairly soon as well.
SO the question of the day is, why would someone choose to lie about something so trivial, something that noone would even care about?
I can write more on that later, I will, not now as it is well after 1am and I have to be up early, just thought I'd throw that out there.
Since it's been three years, I can share an "older" pic without feeling guilty, so here. It's taken the year after moving to Calgary, me and my girl making faces, at Prince's Island Park. And see you tomorrow.
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